Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I have a lump on my left breast.

My OB/GYN noticed it during a routine exam. I didn't even know it was there. Except now I can't stop noticing. I can feel it, if I concentrate enough. It's hard and lumpy and totally alien. The wrongness of it disturbs me.

It's probably not cancer. I'm only twenty, breast cancer isn't really common in that age group. And my family doesn't have any history with it. So I shouldn't be panicking.

But it isn't even all I'm dealing with. I've been having these stomach pains. One of them was so bad that I ended up vomiting. Often they just keep me in bed with the pain. I have an ultrasound next week. A mamogram for the lump a week after that. So the doctors are going to take care of things. And there's nothing to worry about.

But I am.

I can't help but let my imagination run away with me. I can't help but think of the worst in these times in between appointments while I'm in terrible pain and have an unwanted mass on my body. I'm scared, I'm worried, and everyone who knows me just smiles and tells me that I'm going to be fine.

So I'm writing here. So I can panic. So I can worry and fret and not bother those close to me. Because I can't get this nervousness out of my head. I can't help freaking myself out and thinking I have cancer or something. So I'm just hoping that if I write it all down, it will stop bothering me and I can live my life.

I hope it works.

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